Eleni Aroni PsyT & Coach

The arts of communication
2. The art of apology
(the gift of responsibility)

Holding ourselves accountable for both the positive & the negative contributions we make in our relationships


A genuine apology places emphasis on compassion for the wounded party, not redemption for the transgressor.
This is the gift of responsibility.
You are committed to responsibility for the impacts of your words, sentiments, and behaviours, especially when they are hurtful.
Your authentically remorseful feelings are free of self-loathing and a self centred preoccupation with guilt.
You are grounded in the experience of the other person.
You are not focused on a mission of personal redemption, it’s less about you than it is about your responsibility.
You also model an apology that is based in a compassionate understanding of how and why certain messages hurt the other.
You hope that in doing so, the other will learn how to offer an apology that reflects an appreciation for your sensitivities as well.
(Disarming the narcissist, Wendy T. Behary, LCSW 2008 pg 145)

To be able to truly communicate with another person, we have to acknowledge that there IS another person in front of us listening, right?
Most of us, communicate with ourselves, while another person is in front of us, we say words or behave in a way that is mostly important for us, forgetting that someone listens and might get hurt from what we say or do. Then some of us, later on remember what happened and feel guilty. To free ourselves from this guilt, we run to the other person and apologise.
We have not given any attention to what the other person felt or heard, how the other person might be wounded from our words.
We just want to get rid of the guilt.
Can you see clearly now, that this “communication” is all about you?
Where is the other person?
How did the other person responded to your words or behaviour?
Have you really noticed?
Can you recall the scene, including the other person’s feelings?

We, humans are the only beings that have the potential to self develop continuously and endlessly. We do not have boundaries except our biological life circle, so far.
Responsibility is the highest value, the most brilliant vehicle towards our self development.
As long as we take the decision to ride this vehicle of responsibility , especially while communicating with others, we shall witness our relationships develop as well.
Instead of feeling guilty, for what we say, we can choose to be responsible for the wound our words caused to the other, take that developmental lesson as a teaching for our future words and care about the other’s feelings.
That is the responsible apology we do.
It is less about you than it is about your responsibility.
It is less about your ego world and more about your higher, wider and more developed world.
Responsibility is the wiser vehicle towards
Your self development.
So it is about you, but not the Less you, the More you!