Eleni Aroni PsyT & Coach

Are you Responsible or Controlling?

“The ego seeks to control, but the soul knows only how to flow”

BY ELENI ARONI

Control vs. Responsibility: Understanding the Difference

In navigating life, relationships, and work, understanding the distinction between control and responsibility is crucial. Many people conflate the two, leading to stress, frustration, and unnecessary burdens. While control is about trying to dictate or manipulate outcomes, responsibility is about owning our actions and choices within our sphere of influence.

What is Control?

Control is the attempt to regulate external events, people, and circumstances. It often stems from a fear of uncertainty and a desire for predictable outcomes. However, control is often an illusion because many factors in life—such as other people’s actions, market trends, or natural events—are beyond our influence.

The illusion of control—the belief that we can dictate every outcome—leads to stress, anxiety, and frustration. True freedom comes when we learn to trust the natural flow of life.

Psychologists describe this tendency as a cognitive bias known as the illusion of control, where people overestimate their ability to influence events.

This mindset often leads to stress, disappointment, and a reluctance to adapt when circumstances shift unexpectedly.

Signs of a Control-Oriented Mindset:

• Trying to micromanage others.
• Feeling anxious when things don’t go as planned.
• Resisting change or spontaneity.
• Blaming external circumstances when things go wrong.

What is Responsibility?

Responsibility, on the other hand, is about taking ownership of our actions, decisions, and mindset.
It acknowledges that while we cannot control everything, we can control how we respond to situations. Responsibility fosters growth, resilience, and a sense of empowerment.

Human beings have an innate desire for certainty. We create schedules, set goals, and plan meticulously, believing that doing so will ensure success and happiness. We also use a belief system that we try to hold on.

However, the reality is, that much of life is unpredictable. No matter how carefully we plan, unexpected events—both positive and negative—are inevitable. Events, conditions or other people challenge our belief system giving us an opportunity to “think out of the box” and widen up our perceptions of reality.

Signs of a Responsibility-Oriented Mindset:

• Focusing on personal growth and learning from failures
• Making conscious choices without blaming others
• Accepting what cannot be changed and adapting to circumstances
• Setting boundaries rather than controlling others

The Key Differences

How to Shift from Control to Responsibility

• Recognise What You Can and Cannot Change
• Focus on your efforts, not the outcomes.
• Embrace Uncertainty – Accept that unpredictability is a natural part of life.
• Let Go of Attachment to Outcomes – Do your best and trust the process.
• Hold Yourself Accountable – Take ownership of your choices and behaviours.
• Cultivate a Growth Mindset – View challenges as opportunities for learning.

True power lies in responsibility, not control. By shifting our focus inward and taking responsibility for our actions and attitudes, we cultivate inner peace, stronger relationships, and a more fulfilling life.
Instead of trying to control the world, we learn to navigate it with wisdom and adaptability. When we let go of Control we do not lose power – we gain Freedom.

Balance is the Key
Effort and ambition are essential, but they should be coupled with a willingness to adapt and trust.
The wisdom lies in knowing when to take action and when to let things unfold naturally.
In life we prepare and put in effort, but at some point, we must release attachment and allow events to unfold.

The illusion of control is a source of unnecessary stress and struggle.

By recognising that life cannot be fully controlled and by surrendering to its natural flow, we free ourselves from anxiety and open the door to greater peace and fulfilment.

Surrender is not about giving up—it is about trusting that, like a river finding its course, we are always moving in the right direction, even if we cannot see the destination yet.

The spiritual / psychological aspect of Responsibility:
(A.H.Almaas :Diamond Heart Book Five, pg. 70, Runaway Realisation, pg. 115,Diamond Heart Book One, pg 130)

Responsibility is the outcome of the alignment with the Objective Truth, not according to your beliefs, your emotions or your dreams.
Objective Truth is not about your desires or your preferences.
It has to do with how things are, how they function.
That’s what “objective” means: to live according to the facts, the truth.
As long as you say, “I want it another way,” you are going to suffer.

Taking Responsibility for Your Realisation is Grace
In other words, you taking responsibility for your realisation is true nature intensifying its practice to reveal its enlightenment.
They are not two things.
Divine grace and your responsibility are not two things.
You taking responsibility for your realisation is grace.
The fact that you have capacities is also grace. The fact that you practice is grace. There is no dichotomy between your practice and grace.
Your practice is grace. Your practice is always already Living Being appearing in your consciousness as the enlightenment drive—as the motivation, as the capacity, as the sincerity, as the commitment, as the clarity, as the emptiness, as the radiance, as the luminosity, and as the enlightenment.

You Are the Final Arbiter of the Truth of Your Life
You can’t take my word for it. I can tell you all these things, but it doesn’t mean much. When I tell you, it gets you all excited for a week or two, you might meditate more intensely for a while, but it doesn’t last long. You forget and after two weeks you don’t do anything. You fall asleep again and come back here hoping some new approach will work. This continues until eventually it hits you that you have to be responsible, that, ultimately, you are the final arbiter of the truth of your own experience and life. You are the one who needs to determine what is real. How can anyone convince you of the truth if you don’t see it for yourself? People get convinced by the teachings but not fully, because usually underneath that conviction there are fears, vulnerabilities, and helplessness. The conviction does not stand on solid reality, but rather covers up ignorance and inner conflicts.